Charity Starts at Home Page 2

  “Hey! What’s up?” he answered.

  “Haden here.”

  “Yeah, I know. I have your number,” Quinn answered happily, dashing into the subway and waiting on the bottom step out of the cold wind, hoping he wouldn’t lose his connection.

  “Can I come by this evening?”

  Quinn was surprised how Haden’s question made his heartbeat quicken. “Of course!” he answered, sounding quite a bit more eager than he wanted to. “You’re always welcome.”

  “I have a meeting to go to first, but it’s not far from the shelter so I’ll come around after that. Same time as last week okay for you?”

  “Just ring the doorbell,” Quinn replied before he clicked his phone shut. Haden’s words kept ringing through his mind. He was going to a meeting. Would that be an AA meeting? Although Quinn hadn’t gone to one in ages, he knew there was one every day about two blocks away from the shelter. For a long time, he would go there just before returning to the shelter, back when he needed those meetings to make it through the evening. He took in a deep breath and started walking toward his train home. It dawned on him how much stronger he was compared to a year ago, and it made him think about what Haden was going through right now.

  * * *

  By the time he walked up the stairs from the subway, it was snowing. He had a fair way to walk and his old coat was soaking up the moisture of the melting snow, making him shiver. Since he passed the old church where the AA meeting was going on, he decided to walk inside. They’d just gotten started and Quinn quickly scanned the faces of the men and women in the group before quietly taking a cup of coffee and sitting down at the back. He couldn’t see everyone in the group, but it felt good to be among like-minded people anyway and it didn’t take more than hearing the stories to remind Quinn about the power of these sorts of meetings.

  An older woman was talking about her children, how she’d been afraid to call them, but how she was now talking to her son again. When she was finished, someone else got up and Quinn immediately realized the voice sounded familiar.

  “Hi, my name is Haden and I’m an alcoholic.”

  “Hi, Haden.”

  “I’ve been sober for seven months and three days.”

  Applause.

  Haden sighed deeply as if he was trying to muster the courage. Quinn tried to crane his neck to look at him, but when he realized Haden was facing him, he ducked down again, hoping Haden hadn’t noticed him sitting there.

  “I was never the most sociable person. I started drinking in high school when I realized that after a few drinks, I wasn’t so afraid to approach girls anymore.” The crowd chuckled in recognition. “It wasn’t until much later that I discovered I liked guys more than girls.” A few people laughed and Quinn could hear in Haden’s voice he was smiling too. “Then I found out I had an even harder time coming on to guys, so I drank even more. Now that I’m sober, all my anxieties are back with a vengeance.”

  Haden paused and Quinn had a hard time keeping a low profile. He wanted to see Haden’s face so badly.

  “Just after I stopped drinking, I met a guy I really liked. His world is so different from mine, yet when we talk, we seem to have a lot in common. Back then, I didn’t have the nerve to say anything, let alone make a move toward him. I’m pretty sure he’s gay, so that isn’t the problem. Anyway, we lost touch, but last week I met up with him again at the place where he works.”

  Quinn smiled, realizing that Haden was talking about him. About them. He took a large drink of coffee to quell his nerves.

  “We can still talk really well, but I don’t know how to proceed from here.”

  “So what did you used to do when this happened?” a woman in the center asked.

  “I used to have a few drinks and then make myself bump into him. Can’t do that now.”

  “You can still bump into him,” she continued.

  “The coming face to face with him part isn’t that hard. He’s really open and approachable, but I think he just sees me as a friend. I don’t have the nerve to tell him my feelings go further than that. What do you say?” Haden asked rhetorically. “Hi, I’m Haden; will you come home with me?”

  Some people chuckled.

  “How would you want him to approach you?” A man’s voice asked.

  “I don’t know,” Haden admitted. “If he did, I’d probably run away.”

  “So what will you do then?” the first woman asked.

  “I don’t know,” Haden repeated. “I know drinking isn’t going to solve my problems, but sometimes I think that if I just have a few drinks, just once, I could find the courage to tell him how I feel. On the other hand, not drinking is more important to me than dating.”

  “You’d just fall off the wagon again, dude,” another familiar voice said.

  Quinn dared to look up again. He noticed Karl sitting closer to him, elbows resting on his knees and eyes turned toward Haden. His face was caring and understanding and Quinn was kind of happy that Karl and Haden seemed to know each other, at least from meetings like this.

  After hearing another story, the gathering broke up after linking hands to say a prayer together. Quinn stayed near the back, leaning against a pillar of the old church when Haden emerged. Unease crept over Haden’s face when he noticed Quinn standing there.

  “Quinn,” Haden nodded. “How long have you been here?”

  Quinn didn’t need to read Haden’s mind to understand what Haden was afraid of, so he used a little white lie. “Not long. It was snowing pretty badly so I ducked in here to get warm again.”

  “You’ve been to a meeting before?” Haden fished.

  “Not for at least a year.” Quinn nodded. “I’ve been sober for….” he couldn’t believe he had to think about it, “just over five years now. So I know it isn’t easy.”

  Haden nodded shyly and walked to the side to get his coat. “I was coming to see you tonight. I figured you could use some help at the shelter.”

  Quinn put his hand on the back of Haden’s shoulder, but drew back when he felt Haden pull away. “I like it when you come in to help me,” Quinn said instead.

  A shy smile spread across Haden’s face and all Quinn could think about was how hard it was going to be to show Haden their feelings were mutual.

  “Let’s make a run for it,” Quinn suggested. “The sooner we’re home the quicker we can warm up.”

  When they walked outside, the snowfall had turned to rain, but it didn’t feel any warmer than before. Quinn raised the collar on his already wet coat and looked at Haden before gesturing he follow him. It was a brisk, two block walk and they were both soaked when they arrived at the heavy gate barring the entrance to the shelter. Quinn rang the bell and tiptoed to stay warm.

  “You should really find yourself a warmer coat, Quinn,” Haden said with genuine concern in his voice.

  Before Quinn could answer, they heard the bolts and locks being opened and Camille peered out. “Hey Quinny! Haden, nice to see you again.”

  Quinn didn’t miss the teasing look on Camille’s face. He just hoped Haden didn’t know her well enough to understand it. “You boys look like you need a good long communal shower to warm up again. Water’s at its hottest right now, you know.” She winked and Quinn shot her a look hoping to stop her teasing.

  She winked at him again as she turned on her heels and walked out of the hallway.

  “She’s right, you know,” Quinn told Haden. “This is about the only time you can take a nice hot shower. There isn’t a lot of privacy though, so if you want, you can go first and I’ll wait until you’re done.

  Haden shrugged. “I’m good. I’m not that wet. You go ahead.”

  “Well, if you change your mind, you know where the clean towels are.”

  Quinn, used to taking quick showers in between getting home and getting the shelter ready, was nicely lathered up in the farthest cubicle when he heard some unfamiliar sounds. He stuck his head out of the spray of the shower and smiled. Someone was inside t
he shower area and he was trying to be as quiet as possible. To Quinn’s amusement, he was failing miserably.

  At any other moment of the day, Quinn wouldn’t be so at ease, but at this time of the afternoon, Camille was getting ready to start cooking and all the doors were locked. There was nobody else here yet other than her and him, so the other person could only be Haden. Quinn let his hands run over his body to wipe off the suds. The adrenalin was making him hard and he fisted himself a few times to scratch his itch. Underneath the partial partition, Quinn could see the reflection of two manly bare feet in the shiny wet tiles and he decided to ham it up a bit.

  “Fuck yeah, mmm,” he murmured. “Feels good, Haden. Touch me right there.”

  Standing half under the spray, he could hear Haden move closer. Quinn bit into his hand to stop himself from chuckling too loudly, but he wasn’t sure Haden had heard him say his name. He was going to have to make sure of it. “Oh Haden,” he sighed, rolling his eyes at his own bad acting skills. “Feels so good.”

  Haden shifted from one leg to the other on the other side of the partition and Quinn couldn’t hold back any longer. His hands were aching to touch the other man. He didn’t bother turning off the spray and simply rounded the partition, coming face to face with his object of affection. Like he’d expected, Haden was stark naked and to his delight, not only well hung but rock hard too. Haden looked self-conscious and was trying to hide his erection with his hands, but the real surprise came when Quinn’s eyes travelled up and he saw the elaborate dragon tattoos all over Haden’s chest and arms, which had been carefully hidden under long sleeved shirts. The look of utter terror on Haden’s face prevented Quinn from making a comment about them. Instead, he launched himself at Haden’s sinewy body and attacked his mouth with a passionate kiss. Quinn felt Haden melt slowly under his embrace, Haden’s hands hesitantly moving to Quinn’s hips. This was enough incentive for Quinn to grind his erection against Haden’s and he felt more than heard the older man moan into the kiss. This gave Quinn the confidence to grab hold of both of their erections, rubbing them together until Haden was rolling his hips against Quinn’s hot, wet body. His eyes closed, Quinn gave in to the needs of his body until he was so close to coming he didn’t think he could stop it anymore. Just at that point, Haden broke the kiss and threw his head back, bumping it against the thin metal partition. He didn’t flinch, totally giving in to the convulsions wracking his body. Feeling Haden’s hot release stream over his hand was enough to push Quinn over as well and after thrusting hard into his hand a few times more, he clung to Haden, panting hard.

  Quinn let his hands ghost over the intricate designs on Haden’s biceps while they caught their breath. When Quinn gazed up, Haden was looking lost, so Quinn took the lead. “If we’re quick, the water will still be hot.”

  Haden didn’t move so Quinn once more rounded the partition and got under the shower to rinse off the semen of their combined release. To his grave disappointment, Haden didn’t join him and when he exited the shower, Haden crossed his path without making eye contact. Quinn dried off and got dressed on his own while Haden remained in the shower. He mentally kicked himself for being so forward, but hoped that, in time, Haden would see it for what it was: an admission that Quinn was attracted to Haden as well.

  * * *

  About ten minutes later, Haden, his hair still wet, joined Quinn as he was setting up the plates and cutlery for dinner. He didn’t say anything, but Quinn couldn’t leave it this way.

  “I’m sorry if I came on too strong,” Quinn said as he moved behind Haden to pick up the paper napkins.

  Haden shrugged. “’s okay.”

  “It’s not okay if you didn’t want what was happening, Haden.”

  Again, Haden shrugged. “I was okay with it.”

  Quinn sighed loudly. It wasn’t like he expected a declaration of love from Haden, but Quinn hated not knowing where he stood. Had he read too much into Haden’s words at the AA meeting? Had Haden been talking about someone else he’d met and Quinn simply assumed—wrongly—that he’d meant him?

  “Haden?” Quinn pleaded. He needed Haden to at least assure him he hadn’t ruined the precarious friendship they had cultivated so far.

  “What?” Haden answered innocently, the expression on his face soft.

  “Never mind,” Quinn replied gruffly, shoving the napkins into the oversized napkin holder before hurrying into the kitchen. On the way over there he mentally kicked himself for expecting too much, but he knew he couldn’t invest in a hopeless relationship. He was too old to lose himself in something that didn’t have a future, so he knew he had to let it lay, for his own sanity more than anything else.

  They worked together in silence the rest of the evening, exchanging only the most necessary conversation. Quinn hated the tension in the air, but there was nothing he could do as long as Haden refused to have a civil conversation. At night in his bed, Quinn couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened. Had he really pushed Haden to do something he didn’t want? It was Haden who had walked into the showers naked, knowing Quinn was in there. Had he really misread the signs?

  Quinn tried to quiet down his brain, but even his dreams were filled with the dragons he’d seen on Haden’s body.

  * * *

  To Quinn’s surprise, Haden was back the following evening. Part of him didn’t want Haden there. Without his help, he had a lot more work to do, but at least it was tension free. Now the almost silent presence of the other man made Quinn uneasy.

  After their residents were settled in for the night, Quinn caught Haden at the back of the shelter, in the designated smoking area. It was less cold tonight, although you could still see your breath. There were a few other men smoking a short distance away so they didn’t have a lot of privacy, but Quinn needed to talk to Haden.

  “I didn’t know you smoked,” Quinn said hesitantly, trying not to sound too negative.

  Haden looked at his half-smoked cigarette and flicked the ashes into the large ashtray. “Bad habit. One of many.”

  “Oh?” Quinn asked playfully, hoping to lift the tension a bit.

  “You don’t want to know,” Haden answered, a wry smile on his face.

  “We all have bad habits,” Quinn agreed, gesturing for Haden’s cigarette. Haden handed it to him and he took a drag before handing it back with an understanding smile. They stood in silence for a while, until Haden had finished his cigarette and pushed his hands into the pockets of his pants. Quinn had hoped sharing the cigarette would have broken the ice, but Haden clearly needed more to persuade him to open up. For a moment, Quinn didn’t know where to begin, but then he remembered there was one more thing he was hiding from Haden. “I heard your confession at the meeting.”

  “Good,” Haden answered evenly.

  “Good?” Quinn asked. Haden’s answer was the last thing he’d expected.

  “I was wondering why you did what you did yesterday and I was starting to believe you took liberties with everyone who came in for a shower. The fact you heard me say what I said, means you’re a bit more discriminating.”

  “Was it me you were talking about?” Quinn asked a little apprehensively.

  “Yes,” Haden answered. He was still staring out at the graffiti on the back wall, which was the only vista available to the smokers, but his voice sounded calm and in control, as if he wasn’t in the least ashamed of his confession.

  “So why did you refuse to talk to me about it?” As soon as the words left his mouth, Quinn realized he had raised his voice and the other two men in the smoker’s area had turned to look at them. It didn’t seem to faze Haden.

  “What happened happened, Quinn. It felt good and I didn’t mind what you did, but I’m not ready for more. I can’t deal with more right now.”

  Quinn nodded. He could accept that for now. Haden had all but admitted he had feelings for him, so maybe if he was patient, Haden would open up to him again. He smiled when he realized Haden was still standing next to him, hands in
pockets, his warm sweater hiding the elaborate body-art underneath the sleeves.

  “You have gorgeous tattoos,” Quinn said quietly.

  “Another bad habit,” Haden admitted.

  “Oh, I don’t know,” Quinn said. “I have a few small ones, but I don’t have the money to have anything big done. I wouldn’t mind taking a closer look at yours.”

  Haden looked at him sideways.

  “You know, one day, when you’re ready to let me.”

  Haden smiled, which made Quinn’s heart skip a beat.

  “One day,” Haden agreed.

  * * *

  Haden came to the shelter every night to help out and Quinn slowly got used to treating him as a friend rather than someone he had the hots for. Nights were another thing altogether. Haden went home as soon as the work was done, leaving Quinn to go to his room all by himself to dream of Haden. Quinn kept telling himself to stop hoping for more, but as soon as the Sandman took him, his subconscious had other ideas.

  During one such hot and bothersome dream, Quinn was rudely awakened by loud banging on his door, a desperate man’s voice calling his name. He got up out of bed, acutely aware of the fact his erection was tenting his pajama bottoms. As soon as he heard the frantic voice cry “Fire!” Quinn was wide awake. He grabbed his clothes and put them on over his night clothes, then grabbed his cell phone. As soon as he opened the door, he could smell that it wasn’t a false alarm. He dialed 911, asked the man who’d woken him to get Karl up, and knocked on the door of the security guys’ bedroom, all at once. After giving the emergency dispatcher the address, Quinn walked toward the front door to open the entrance gate so they could start evacuating. Karl arrived with several kids in tow, including his own.

  “Don’t think anyone’s hurt, but we’ll need to take roll call outside,” Karl told Quinn after dropping the kids off in the entrance hall.

  “I’ll get tonight’s list,” Quinn agreed. “Can you get the people together here? Make sure they don’t leave before we can check them?”